About fear
I've been listening to audiobooks, thanks to work. That's a first for me, that's 2 firsts actually because it's non fiction books.
Maybe it's a bit much to say that it's been a revelation, but it's not far off. Strangely, it doesn't feel like anything new, but when I hear it spelled out in a very plain and simple way, it makes total sense of the cloud of confused feelings, theories and principles that lives in my head.
ANYWAY
It's all about fear.
Fear of failing, not being good, making a horrible drawing, not being loved / being hated or made fun of.
So basically : it's all down to me, because none of this is coming from outside. Potentially good news, whether it is or not is undecided yet since it depends on what I make of it and if I can push through or not.
There are a lot of things that I have not done because of fear. I'm working on it and this is one of the first steps, cause you need more than one obviously. Or rather, it's my first step aside : I'm not running away from it, ignoring it or running right into it, I'm just trying to leave it be and look beyond.
A good and vivid illustration of fear is starting a drawing / a painting.
It's a testament to self-confidence and perseverance, the magic mantra being "trust the process" which today I have been consciously spicing up with "bloody trust yourself".
I timed 1 hour for this portrait, wanting to use this as a first post to start this online journey, before I figure everything out. Because I never figure everything out in advance BUT it also means that I never start because my brain puts weird rules in place when I'm not looking ; like "you have to have figured everything out in advance". Thanks brain.
Due to present circumstances, now feels like a good time to start and this portrait is a good illustration of the process.
I don't know what the outcome will be when I start. I'm full of doubts and fear but I also really want to be an artist and spend a lot more of my time making art and things.
Obviously we very quickly enter the ugly phase and we have to get comfortable h because we're going to travel in it for a bit. So in comes the mantra : trust the process, trust yourself (repeat repeat repeat) but also "please remember, dear self, that this is definitely not a big deal : it's just pen on paper, it's just an hour of your life, if you don't like it, you can just start again and in the end, you will have drawn" (my conversation with myself, slightly improved for the purpose of publication).
As it turns out, I'm not unhappy about it.
I wanted to do a line & wash or a quick watercolour portrait when I started but I was enjoying the graphite ; I guess I will start again at some point but for today it's enough. I've not been drawing or painting for a little while and this was my reunion with my pencil and sketchbook.
It's about fear, it's also about starting and today I started πΊπ»
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